


Joy

by onceandfuturekiki



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/M, post ep
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-21
Updated: 2016-03-21
Packaged: 2018-05-28 05:48:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6317017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onceandfuturekiki/pseuds/onceandfuturekiki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Keyleth can't sleep the night after Vex's revival. Vax doesn't want to. A rough version of this was posted to Tumblr, but this is a far more polished and complete version.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Joy

“Really, brother, I’m fine! You don’t have to sit here watching me all night!”

Vax could tell that his sister was losing her patience with him, but he could hardly be bothered to care. Just a few hours ago he had been holding her limp, lifeless body in his arms and begging a goddess to bring her back to life. Vex could be as annoyed as she liked. He wasn’t moving from the chair.

“Well, I’m fine, too,” he argued back. “So you just go to sleep.”

“Vax, this is ridiculous. You can’t stay up all night. We just fought a Beholder. We have important things to do. You need to rest.”

He remained still and stoic as he stared at Vex from the chair he had pulled over to her bedside. Trinket laid in a large, furry lump on the floor next to him, snoring loudly, ignoring the confrontation above him.

“Do you really think I can sleep with you just sitting there watching me? This way, neither of us are going to get any sleep and then somebody really will die tomorrow!”

Hearing her say that, as though she was treating the whole thing like some kind of joke, felt like a dagger had sliced into his middle. He doubted there were many who would be able to recognize the subtle shift in his expression, but Vex did, and the fight immediately left her body as she sank back against the pillows behinds her.

“You  _did_  really die,” he whispered after a long, silent moment.

“I know.”

They stared at each other for a tense stretch, the only sound in the room Trinket’s snores. All the things they had been through together, they rarely ever had to actually talk to each other about their feelings. Most of the time they just  _knew_  without having to say anything, and on the rare occasion that they didn’t… well, sometimes things were better left unsaid.

This didn’t feel like anything they had ever experienced though. There was no way she could know how he felt, sitting there at the altar of the Raven Queen, offering his life for hers. And there was no way he could know how she felt, waking up to see all of the people she loved crying because seconds before she had been  _dead_. For the first time in their lives, they each had these experiences that the other couldn’t possibly understand, and it made Vax feel further away from his sister than he had ever been.

Finally, Vex sighed, her shoulders dropping in defeat. “Fine, you can stay. But you’re sleeping. I’m not going to let you or someone else get hurt just because you were too stupid to rest. So get up here.” She moved to one side of the bed, throwing one of the pillows over to the side closest to Vax, and punched at her own pillows aggressively before dramatically flopping down against them, her back to him.

Sighing, Vax kicked off his boots and moved onto the bed. If lying down and pretending to rest would get Vex to shut up and go to sleep, he’d happily lay there next to her for a few hours. It wasn’t like he was going to sleep anyway.

Knowing his thoughts in the way she always seemed to, Vex mumbled sleepily, “And I’ll be able to tell tomorrow if you slept at all. If you didn’t, I’m going to kick you.”

“Go to sleep, Stubby.”

He turned onto his side so he could see his sister, his eyes focusing on her back where he just barely see movement as she moved air in and out of her lungs, moving a bit closer so that he could hear her breathing over Trinket’s snores.

The room was filled with dull, grey light when Vax awoke. He looked around him in confusion for a moment, unwilling to believe that he had actually fallen asleep. While he couldn’t be sure what time it was, the weak light coming in through the windows told him it was morning. Very early morning, but still morning. So he had slept for at least a few hours.

Turning over, he looked at Vex, who was sprawled on her back, one arm slung over her stomach and her other arm reaching out toward him. Next to her, a now very awake and not-at-all snoring Trinket was sitting, his chin resting against the edge of the mattress, watching him with eyes that Vax could swore were saying, “I only went to sleep because I thought you were watching her. You let me down, man.”

He moved his eyes away from Trinket’s strangely accusatory gaze to Vex’s stomach, where her arm moved up and down with each breath she took. The image of her body from the night before flashed into his mind. She was so cold, so completely still and lifeless. When he’d taken her into his arms she had been so limp, like a ragdoll. At first it was like he almost didn’t recognize her as his sister without the life inside of her.

How long did he have with her now? Years and years? Or would the Raven Queen be so cruel as to give her few weeks or a few days, only to take her away from him again?

He had offered his life for hers. Had the goddess accepted his deal? How much longer did _he_  have? Would he soon be putting Vex in the same place of pain he was in now? After all of that, had he only managed to trade his heartbreak for his sister’s?

Suddenly his chest felt tight, like there were two arms wrapped around him, squeezing, and he found himself unable to breathe. He started gasping in sharp breaths, his lungs burning in panic. It was all too much to think about. It was all too much to remember.

Vax didn’t want to leave his sister, but he also didn’t want to wake her up. As he desperately tried calm himself he made his decision and got out of bed, moving as slowly as he possibly could in his state so as not to disturb the bed’s other occupant. He stood, trying to steady himself, before heading for the door. He would just step outside the door and calm himself down. He wouldn’t go any further than that. And as soon as he was calm, he would get back into bed and wait for Vex to wake up.

Stepping outside, he closed the door behind him and leaned against it, trying to catch his breath by taking in deep breaths through his nose.  _She’s fine,_  he told himself _. She’s okay. She’s alive. She’s breathing._

He repeated the mantra to himself over and over until his breathing became normal. As he opened his eyes, he became aware of a presence, and looking down he found Keyleth, sitting beside the door, looking at him with wide eyes.

“Kiki?” he asked, trying not to feel embarrassed about what she had obviously just witnessed. “What… how long have you sitting there?”

“Oh, um… I don’t know,” she said, looking to the window to see the slowly brightening sky. He noted the dark circles under her eyes and how drawn her face looked. “It was still dark when I sat down. I just…” she trailed off, looking down at her hands. “I was worried.”

It was strange how, even when she was clearly anxious, seeing Keyleth had such a calming effect on him. He found the tension in his shoulders loosening a bit and his breathing became slower, the constant anxiety and concern he had felt since the night before not leaving him, but certainly diminishing. He took in a deep breath, pleased that he could do so.

He moved to Keyleth’s other side, sitting down next to her. “She’s okay,” he said, trying to convince himself as much as her. “She’s sleeping right now, but she’s fine. She’s breathing and she’s… alive.” There was a pang in his chest at the fact that saying his sister was alive was something he actually had to do now, because for those long moments the day before, she hadn’t been.

“No, I’m not… I mean, yes of course I’m worried about Vex. I haven’t stopped seeing everything that happened in my head over and over, but I…” she sighed, avoiding his gaze. “I was talking about you.”

“I’m fine,” he responded quickly, offering her a tight smile. He didn’t want Keyleth to worry, and if he said it enough, maybe he’d be able to convince himself, too.

“No you’re not,” she said, easily seeing through his lie. “Of course you aren’t. Your sister… she died last night, Vax! And you offered to trade your life for hers! And I just watched you walk out of her room having a panic attack. You’re not fine.”

“But she’s alive, and I’m alive, so…”

“Why won’t you talk to me?” she pressed, ignoring his evasion. “Why won’t you let me be here for you? It’s never been… Two nights ago you knocked on my door because you wanted me to be there for you and now it’s like you can’t stand the thought of it. What’s going on?”

Vax sighed. It was amazing how should could be so bad at reading everyone else, but she could see right through him. Maybe it was because he’d bared his soul to her more than once. Maybe it was something else, something indefinable between them. Maybe it was one of the things that had drawn him to her in the first place.

“I, uh…” she started, stumbling over her words. “I know I should have gone to you yesterday, before we came to Whitestone. I know I should have tried to say something or do something, instead of talking to Kashaw, or at least before talking to Kashaw, but honestly I didn’t know what to say, and I kind of figured that you’d just want to be with Vex for a while, so I decided to just let you be, but I know I should have-“

“Kiki,” he said gently, cutting off her rambling. “I’m not mad at you.”

“You’re not?” Keyleth asked in a small voice.

“Of course not.”

“I just thought that… maybe that was why…”

“No. I understand. You were right, I did just want to be with Vex last night. I doubt I would have paid attention to much else.” He took a deep breath, preparing for what he needed to say next. It was something he’d rather not do at all, much less in that particular moment. But he know the longer he let it go on, the more it would eventually hurt when he _did_ confront it. And he’d tried so hard to be honest about how he felt with Keyleth. He knew that had been important. So he pressed on. “And I understand why you’d want to go to Kashaw. What he did was… incredible. He did an amazing thing that I will never be able to thank him enough for.  I get, and it’s okay. He did something huge for you and that’s…” he trailed off, unsure of what else to say, turning to look at Keyleth’s face, which was covered in confusion.

“What are you talking about you?”

Turning away again, not wanting to look at her when he said it, he continued, “He did it for you. Of course he did. Doing magic that powerful, that could have such big consequences for him? Why would he do that for any of us other than you?”

“He didn’t-“ she started. “Well, he did, but not completely. I mean, it was a part of the reason but not the whole reason, but still I don’t… I don’t know what you’re getting at.”

“I’m just saying that… it’s okay.” He didn’t have it in him this time to smile, not when literally everything in his life in that moment was in tatters.

She was silent beside him for a long moment. When she finally spoke, her voice was quiet and tentative. “Vax, Kash and I… we aren’t…” She paused for a long time, as though she was looking for the right word. “We just aren’t.”

“Keyleth-“

“No, listen,” she implored, grasping his hand in hers. “I care about him very much, and I know he cares about me, but that’s it. We’re… friends. I mean, I know I had a crush on him or whatever. And I know that he feels a certain… way about me. But all we’re ever going to be is friends. I don’t feel that way about him anymore. I… gods, Vax, I thought we were on the same page.”

Now it was his turn to look confused. “What do you mean?” he asked, finally looking over at her.

“That night we spent together back at the keep… I’ve never been that close to  _anyone_. Physically or emotionally. I know we didn’t…  _do_  anything, other than talk and sleep I mean, but just being close to you like that… Vax, I gave a piece of myself to you that night. I thought you had done the same.”

Immense relief washing over him, Vax turned to her as much as he could, bringing their joined hands up to his chest, pressing them against his heart. “Keyleth, I gave myself to you a long time ago.”

Her breath caught in her throat as she smiled. “I made my choice that night. Seeing Kash again didn’t change that. And I will always be so grateful for what he did last night, but that doesn’t change anything either.” She moved closer, turning into him slightly, her knees folding on top of his. “I’m yours.”

He brought up a hand to cup Keyleth’s jaw, bringing her face to his. “And I’m yours,” he said, capturing her lips.

The sat there in the hallway, clutching at each other desperately as the sky brightened from a dull grey to a light blue.

“Good,” Keyleth breathed out when they finally separated. “Then talk to me.”

“I don’t… I don’t know,” Vax said, still holding her close. “I don’t even know what…”

“It’s okay,” she said, stroking his cheek. “It doesn’t have to make sense. None of this does.”

“It’s just… even when I’m looking right at her and I know she’s there and that she’s alive, I can’t stop feeling what I felt last night when I was holding her in my arms and she was just… gone. And I can’t stop thinking that this is all temporary, that if I look away for too long she’ll be gone again. I don’t… I don’t even know what it was that made The Raven Queen decide to bring her back. How do I know I’m not going to lose her again?”

“You won’t,” Keyleth promised. “At least not any time soon, and definitely not in any way that you’re worried about.”

“I shouldn’t have gone so far away from her. I should have had Percy go down into that hole to get Kima. Or Zahra. Anyone could have done it, but I wanted to be the hero. If I had just stayed up there with Vex I could have stopped her and Percy, I could have made sure they were more careful.”

“I keep trying to remind myself that we can’t change what happened,” she said, her voice quiet and tentative. ”But I keep thinking, too, that if I had gone down to get Kima instead, or if I had tried to get to her during the fight, then you would have been there with Vex and Percy and you could have stopped them. But then,” her voice breaks, and he looks into her eyes to find them filled with tears. “But then I think about how if you were there something could have happened to you, too.” Her voice shook as the tears started brimming over, falling down her cheeks. “When you offered to trade your life for her’s… I know it’s terrible, but… I hoped it wouldn’t work. I hoped she’d say no. And I know how horrible that is because I love Vex and the thought of her not being here is so scary and it hurts so much. But the thought of  _you_  not being here… I just couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t… I was mad at you for offering it. I know I shouldn’t have been, but I couldn’t help it. I just… I need you here with me.”

“I need you, too,” he whispered, wiping her tears away with his thumb. “If something happened to you I would do the same-“

“Don’t say that!” she almost shouted. “Please. Don’t say that.”

Vax wound his arms around Keyleth and pulled her into him as she cried, her face turned into his neck. He held on to her tightly, and for the first time since his sister had started breathing again he let himself cry, burying his face in her hair. He hadn’t realized how much he’d needed this. All of this. To cry, to have Keyleth her with him, to be in her arms, to know that she understood. His grip on her tightened, pulling her completely into his lap. She curled into him and he curled himself around her, creating a tangle of grief and comfort.

After several long moments, as they both started to calm down, Vax said, “Well, then, I guess we’re both just going to have to make sure nothing happens to us.”

She let out a chuckle, resting her cheek against his shoulder and looking up at him. “That sounds like a good plan.” She ran her hand down his cheek and smiled, gazing at him with an open adoration he was pretty sure she hadn’t allowed herself to show until now. He tried to give that adoration back with his own eyes, packing all of his feelings into one look. Every emotion he held for her, all the love he felt.

Her expression sobered as she gripped his collar. “We can’t change the past. We can’t change what happened last night. It’s going to hurt for a while. But we can’t dwell on it. Vex is  _here_. She’s with us. And she almost wasn’t. We need to be  _happy_  about that. We need to think about how happy that makes us, and not how sad almost losing her was. Vex is alive. That’s an amazing thing. We should be focusing on our joy. Not our sorrow.”

She was right, Vax realized. There would always be a fear in him now, a fear of losing his sister that existed in a way it didn’t before. But she was alive. For whatever reason, she was given a second chance and she was still here. He was happy about that. _That_ was what he needed to concentrate on. He couldn’t let the fear of losing Vex cripple him. He couldn’t waste the second chance he had been given with her by being too scared to enjoy it.

His sister was alive. Keyleth was here, in his arms, and she had told him that was the way she wanted it to be. He figured with that kind of motivation, happy was something he could do.

“And you need to talk to me,” she continued. “Don’t just shut down on me, okay? You and me… we’re an ‘us’ now. Something happens to one of us, it happens to both of us. Okay?” Her voice was firm, but he could tell by the way she was chewing at her bottom lip and looking it him wide eyes and raised brows that she was nervous about his answer.

He kissed her nose. “Okay.”

“Okay,” she repeated, unclenching the fist that still had ahold of his color and sliding it down to pat his chest. “Good.”

Pushing her hair behind her ear, he smiled at her, leaning in for another kiss. She returned it eagerly, in a way that made him lose his breath in a far better way than he had earlier in the morning, but broke off, sooner than he would have liked, with a yawn.

“We should probably get some sleep,” Vax conceded without loosening his grip, not wanting to let go.

“Yeah,” Keyleth responded. “We have a lot to do today. We’re going to be pretty useless if we don’t get any rest.”

They held on to each other for another long moment before Vax sighed, sliding his arms away from her as she started to stand. After she was on her feet, he stood as well, taking her hand in his. “Sleep well.”

“You too,” she replied, kissing him quickly before turning around to head to her own room. He watched her as she walked down the hallway, smiling at her when she turned back to look at him one more time before she entered her room.

Vax walked back into his sister’s room, finding Vex already up and dressed.

“Were you listening?” he asked, already well aware of the answer.

“Listening to what?” his sister said, her voice high and false, trying far too hard to feign innocence.

“I know you’ve been learning a lot lately, but you’re still not as sneaky as you think you are.”

“Okay, so I was listening!” she said, exasperated. “Part of the conversation was about me, so I think I had every right.”

“But you heard the rest of it, too.”

She nodded, not bothering to feign guilt. “Keyleth’s right. I can’t stand seeing you like this. I’m alive, so you should be happy about that. Not miserable because for a few minutes I wasn’t.”

He nodded, but said nothing.

“And I’m happy for you and Keyleth. I am. I know I was weird about it before, but it was just… the  _whole thing_  was weird. It had always just been you and me, and you wanted to bring another person into it. I just needed to get used to the idea,” she said, uncharacteristically rambling. “I could have been gone forever last night. Life is just way too short to not go after what you want.”

She was looking down, lacing her boots as she spoke instead of him, and he watched her, smiling, finally able to be happy at the fact that she was here with him, instead of anguished at the fact that he almost lost her. “Thank you.”

Her head snapped up in surprise and she eyed him curiously before standing and walking over to him. “Thank  _you_ ,” she said, grasping his hand.

She didn’t need to say anything more. He knew everything she meant. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for bringing me back. Thank you for caring. Thank you for worrying. Thank you for always being here.

As she let go of his hand and moved away, Vax finally realized that she looked like she was dressed to go outside. “What are you doing?”

Vex’s lips pulled into a frown. “I, uh… Trinket and I are going to take a walk.”

“With your bow?” he asked as she picked up her precious weapon.

“Yeah, I just kind of feel like I need to shoot something.”

“Give me a second, I’ll go with you,” he said, moving toward his boots that he had partially shoved under the bed the night before.”

“No,” she said. “I think I need it to just be me and Trinket right now.”

He looked at her, and noticed a weight settling around her shoulders that hadn’t been there last night. “I’m fine,” she continued. “Really, I am. I just… things are catching up with me and I kind of just want to be alone.”

Vax resisted the urge to protest, to insist that he go with her. He was still scared to let her out of his sight, to let her go out into the woods by herself, where he wouldn’t be able to protect her or do  _anything_  if something happened. But he thought of Keyleth’s words, her reminder to focus on the joy instead of the grief, and let that calm him.

“Besides,” his sister said, pulling her hood up. “I know you didn’t get much sleep. You need to rest.”

“You’re right,” he said, moving toward the bed.

“But you’re not allowed to do it in here,” she said, stopping him.

“What?”

“I’m not letting you sleep in my room.”

Vax stood in the middle of the room, confused, looking at his sister to try to discern her intentions. “Okay. I guess I’ll find my own room,” he finally said as he started toward the door.

“ _Or_ ,” Vex said pointedly, “you could go share a room with  _someone else_.”

It took a second of looking at her raised eyebrow and impatient stance to get what she was saying, but it finally clicked. He smiled, a bit bashfully. “Yeah, okay.”

They walked out of the room together, and before they went their separate ways, Vex leaned up to give her brother a kiss on the cheek. “I’m just going for a walk,” she assured him. “It will be okay.”

“Just be safe.”

“I will,” she smiled broadly. “That’s why I’m taking Trinket.”

He chuckled as he watched her walk down the hallway, her beloved bear in toe, before turning in the other direction. Stopping a few doors down, he wondered if he should knock, then decided she was probably already asleep and it would probably be best not to, so he opened the door as quietly as he could, slipping into the room.

Walking toward the bed, he looked at Keyleth, already fast asleep, resting on her side. The sun was starting to stream in through the window, catching her red hair and making her pale skin look luminescent. He couldn’t believe how beautiful she was. His heart stuttered, eyes still on her as he moved to the other side of the bed. He’d been carrying what he felt for her for so long, even before he had ever realized it was there, hiding behind his heart. Being with her had always felt like being  _home_ , a sensation he hadn’t had since he was a child. But now that he had her, now that she was his and he was hers, being with her filled him with something even greater, like he was finally where he was supposed to be.

Vax pulled back the covers gently, not wanting to wake her, and climbed into the bed carefully. Once he was settled he moved onto his side, close to Keyleth, and wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her into him.

“Hmm?” she stirred, looking back it him with barely open eyes.

“Shh. It’s just me,” he whispered, pressing a kiss to her bare shoulder.

“Oh. Okay,” she responded, letting him pull her closer as she ran her hand down his arm and laced their fingers together.

Smiling, he rested his head on the pillow, nuzzling his nose into her hair and her neck. He heard Keyleth sigh as she pressed herself closer to him. He held her to him, allowing himself to feel the joy of the moment, and together, they finally slept.

THE END


End file.
